Duel, anyone??

I’m a positive person. No, I am really. But you know what, every now and then I need a bloody good whinge. And damn it, it’s my blog so I’m having one, right here! I’m throwing my toys out of the cot, baby!

And my whinge-de-jour is about bloody Brisbane drivers. I’m going to swear a lot in this one, so be prepared. Holy crap, people of Brisbane, where the bloody hell did you all learn to drive??? I know this used to be a little country town at one stage – but now it’s a big city with roundabouts, motorways and traffic lights, and some skill is needed, especially when there’s thousands of other people on the roads as well as yourself. Most importantly these skills apply to the speed limit. This means that it is acceptable to drive at the speed limit. Not 20kms above it, especially when you lack necessary capabilities of traveling at speed – like being able to steer or indicate. If you prefer to drive under the speed limit (because maybe you recognize your own lack of driving skills), then pretty bloody please keep to the left. Not the middle lane, where people have to overtake you on both sides thus creating the type of driving environment best suited to a formula one racing track. This goes for double if you are driving a truck. Which segues nicely into…

My number one gripe on the roads of BrisVegas. Trucks! Humungous dinosaurs rumbling on our Australian highways. Mack trucks are big ugly beasts whose grills fill up the entire rearview mirror as they loom behind your car like angry bulls in a field, snorting through their noses before they rush and gorge the unsuspecting rambler. The drivers behind their wheels have the driving skills of a 3 year old. This is how I imagine an interview for a truck driver in Brisbane would go:

Manager of fuel company (truck division): So Mr X, what truck driving skills do you have?

Mr X: Well as a child I owned a tonka truck and I used to drive it over my toy cars, and make a “pcchooow!” noise. And I used to ram it into the legs of my mother’s good dining room chairs, and you know, scratch ‘em up a bit.

Manager: That’s fantastic! In fact you are over qualified. Here’s the keys to one of our massive trucks filled with thousands of litres of highly flammable liquid gas. We trust you will drive at least 20 kms over the recommended driving limits, even more on the open highway, terrify the life out of other drivers by roaring up behind them and sitting on their bumper, squish the life of Australian’s native wildlife under your wheels, jackknife and swerve dangerously into other lanes of traffic wiping out as much human life as possible, and just generally create havoc on Brisbane’s highways.

Mr X: Bloody oath, mate.

Speeding isn’t the least of it. I wasn’t kidding about the jackknife. I drive through one of Brisbane’s truck heavy areas to get to the airport hangar in Pinkenba, and just before the Gateway entrance in Eagle Farm a truck had jackknifed and was lying on the side of the road, facing the opposite way to traffic. Whatever it was carrying had spilled all over the road, and the fire dept was there pouring white powder over it. Trucks cost me minutes of my life, people!!! I will be cruising along, at the speed limit obviously, and they will pull out of side streets in front of my car causing me to slam on the brakes. As cause and effect this usually happens just in front of a key set of lights, meaning I am delayed by several more minutes than I otherwise would have been. You only need to listen to the radio and hear about how many accidents they cause. Recently Brisbane had 3 static traffic cameras installed, one of which was on the Bruce Highway. It said in a radio news bulletin that at night some truck drivers are swerving TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY WITH THEIR BLOODY LIGHTS OFF in order to avoid a speeding ticket. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is unbelievable! Even worse is being caught in a truck diamond. This is where you have two massive trucks either side of you, one in front and one behind. It’s like being the meat in a truck sandwich, without being able to move forward or to the side. It’s Dennis Weaver’s worst nightmare. If Spielberg had been born 40 years later in Ipswich and had made one of his first feature films on Brisbane’s highways this would be the ideal scenario. “Truck Diamond” coming to a theatre near you soon.

And to the bloody f^%$wit truck driver who nearly slammed me into the side of the Gateway Bridge, tore off my wing mirror and then roared off into the distance, at 5.50am on a Sunday morning in November, numberplate is 328 GNY – you are OUTED!!! You are a DANGEROUS DRIVER!!! There were two other cars on the road, I was indicating to move into the middle lane, going BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT, and you were speeding and didn’t even see me! And you owe me $278 for a new wing mirror Puto de Madre!!!